


Are you in or out?

by MeNemNesa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Discussion of Abortion, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-01-14
Packaged: 2018-05-14 00:19:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5722507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeNemNesa/pseuds/MeNemNesa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tonks finds out she is pregnant, but Lupin is not as pleased as she thought he would be. Will Tonks ever forgive him, and will he forgive himself?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Are you in or out?

**Author's Note:**

> My second story for the short story challenge, only it's not that short this time. The prompt this week was rising to a challenge. I know that I took some liberties with it, but I think that insecurity is one of the hardest challenges to overcome. Anyway I hope you guys enjoy it.

“Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure?” Remus tugged desperately at his collar, trying to loosen it, He felt extremely hot, and it was getting hard to breathe. Tonks laughed, oblivious to her husband’s panic. “Of course, silly,” she nudged him. “You didn’t think I’d tell you if I was just guessing. Here, look!” She sat down and held the pendant over her stomach and it started circling. She jumped up again in her husband’s arms, wrapping her arms around his neck and continuously kissing his cheek before resting her head on his shoulder. “Isn’t it amazing? We are going to be a family.” She sighed happily. “But don’t you go thinking I am just going to sit at home, I want to be where the action is, and I will be. You or my mum are not telling me otherwise, you hear me.” She playfully poked his chest with her finger, a small frown appearing as Remus didn’t seem to be listening at all. “Remus?” She placed a hand on his cheek and slowly turned his head towards her. “Did you hear what I said?” He nodded distractedly,”Yes of course, no more getting where the action is for you, I do agree. You should stay with your parents, that’s probably safest anyway.” Tonks started laughing, “What? Honey what are you talking about, that is the opposite of what I said.” Remus nodded again “Right, of course, you’re right, sorry.” He put her down gently. “I… I need to go out, I forgot to tell you, I have business to do for the order.” “No you don’t,” Tonks interjected.”Remus? What’s going on? Why aren’t you looking at me? Why aren’t you happy? We are having a baby, a baby, Remus. That’s what we wanted, what we both wanted. You knew this was going to happen at some point. So it is a little sooner than we expected, but who cares?” Tonks gripped Remus’s shirt as her talking just got faster and faster as her anxiety rose. Something was deffinitely wrong here.

At the same time Remus was freaking out, his wife had pulled him back to reality from his thoughts, but he still had no idea what he was supposed to do now. Sure they had talked about it, during their wedding night. They talked about the kind of family they would have, the many children would bounce around, that sort of thing. He had had a vision of two boys and three girls running around a yard chasing each other as all of their hair kept flashing in different colours. At the time it had made him smile, he had even told it to Tonks and they’d both blissfully stared into nothingness, imagining their family. That was just it though, it was a figment of his imagination. The next morning was a serious wake up call, and he wasn’t just talking about the clearly luke warm reception to their marriage news from his now in-laws, though that was certainly a part of it. How could he have done this to Tonks? The prejudice she would have to face, the disgust of the entire wizarding community. She was too young and too idealistic to realise now, but there would come a day that she would resent him for all of this. Just the thought broke his heart, having Tonks hate him, he wasn’t sure if he would survive that. Not after all the loss he had already endured. James, Lilly, his mother, Sirius, even Peter, it was too much. And a child?!? He couldn’t bring a child into the world, let alone five. He had tried not to think of it too much though, knowing his thoughts would take a very dark turn if he allowed them to wander. He had told himself he didn’t need to worry about this until later. He had time to try and change Tonks’ thoughts on this. And now it was too late. It had already happened and he didn’t know what to do. There was something growing inside his wife and he would have to explain to her why she couldn’t keep it. It would probably be a monster, what if it shifted during the pregnancy, that would kill Dora probably. Or if it didn’t, it would proably kill her once it got out. He knew it would be small, but that didn’t matter, his kind didn’t need to be big to do a lot of damage, his childhood bedroom had proved that. And if by some miracle the thing turned out not to be a monster, it would grow up in a life of shame, a life where even his grandparents couldn’t truly love it because of his tainted father.

He had all these thoughts in a manner of seconds, so he took Tonks’ hand from his chest, pressing his lips to it before lowering it. He looked into her eyes with such sadness and heaviness that she tugged her hand from his. “Remus? Say something, you’re scaring me.” He squeezed his eyes shut, allowing himself one more second, postponing the moment that was about to come. He took her hand so it could give him the courage to break his wife’s heart, because he knew that that was exactly what was going to happen. “You can’t keep it, Dora. I’m sorry, but you just can’t, you’ll have to get rid of it. I know we talked about having a family, but we can’t. I shouldn’t have indulged your little fantasies. I know it was wrong, but I figured we’d have time, I’d have time to, you know deal with it.” He had expected her to be heartbroken, to be sad, to be confused even. He figured he would have to explain to her why. What he didn’t expect was her pulling his hand from his, her hair turning a fiery red, jabbing his chest while yelling at him.”EXCUSE ME?!? Get rid of it?!? My little fantasies?!? You had better explain yourself right now. And it had better involve you being confunded by Voldemort himself!” He looked away from her, took a deep breath, turned to her with a pained expression and whispered quietly. “You know what I’m talking about, deep down you must know. We can’t raise a family.” Glaring at him, her hands on her hips now she snapped back. “Why the hell not?!? Am I not mature enough? Well I’m sorry if I am not an old, boring…” He tried to interject “Nymph-” but before he could finish she all but screeched at him “And don’t you dare call me that right now!” He raised his hands in defeat. “Alright alright. But Dora, you have to listen to me. That thing, that thing we created,” he took another deep breath, rushing the next words, hoping somehow saying them faster would make it less painful. “It’s going to kill you, it’s going to be a monster.”

SMACK! It happened so fast he hadn’t even had time to do anything to protect himself from the slap she gave him. “Don’t you dare,” she growled at him “don’t you dare, that is the lamest excuse I have ever heard. Trying to use your goddamn paranoid insecurities against our child.” The words hurt him more than the actual slap. “Do you think I want to be saying this? Do you think I like it? No! I hate this, but that doesn’t make it any less true.” “Honestly?” she bit back “I think you do want to. You didn’t have any problems with the kid when we were making it! You were all fine with it then, but now that it is actually there you’re scared of the resposibility, scared that it would cramp your style. Remus John Lupin, part of the pretentious pranksters, the famous maraurders, just doesn’t want to deal with the consequences of his actions.” She stopped as she heard an almost animalistic growl leave Remus’ lips, when she looked up his eyes seemed darker, more dangerous, so she paused. “You don’t know what you’re saying.” He stepped closer to her, as she walked slowly backwards until she was against the wall and he was looming over her. His control was sliping away, anger always brought his wolf to the surface. And no one was as good at calling forth the wolf as Tonks, except maybe Sirius when he had still been alive. He saw her swallow, and knowing that was his chance, he continued in a low, rough voice. “That fear you’re feeling right now is natural, it’s what you should feel, you feel it because I am a monster. No stop.” He held up his hand as he saw she opened her mouth to say something. “I don’t care that you don’t think I am, I am. And this, this thing,” he pointed at her stomach, “it’s going to be the same, only worse because at least I am old enough to control myself. You think it’s only during the full moon, but I can always feel it, the need for blood and pain. The wolf is always just behind me in the backseat, ready to take over at any sign of weakness. I will not have you risk your life, and if you don’t agree I will talk with your parents. They will agree with me and we will find a way.” She turned her head away, “Get out.” she said it so conversational at first he thought he misheard her. “You heard me, get out!” Her voice was picking up volume with every word she uttered and she started using her fists to smack his chest. “Get out, get out, get out! If you are going to threaten me, and want to kill our child, I don’t ever have to see you again.” She pushed him away from her, heading to the hallway. “But Tonks,” “No.” She snapped back, before taking a deep breath and forcing her voice into a tone of calm disinterest. “I don’t want to hear it. You need to get your shit together, Lupin. I know you have problems, self esteem issues, and I’m sorry. But if you think for one second that I am going to let a sweet innocent child, our sweet, innocent child be hurt just to appease you psychotic selfhatred you are so wrong.” Her cold demeanor broke and a sob left her lips, her hair turning the familiar brown it had been for a year, growing longer to cover her eyes. “I’m going to my parents for a few days, I want you out when I come back.” With that she raised her wand, turned on the spot and she was gone.

Remus stared at the spot his wife had just dissapeared from, he sank down to his knees. This was not how it was supposed to go. Though if he was perfectly honest, nothing went how it was supposed to go. He didn’t even know how it was supposed to go, if he was honest. The past two years had been the most confusing of his life. He had lost so much, but also gained so much, so much kindness, friendship, even love. He didn’t know how to trust it though. He constant;y felt like he was on thin ice, waiting for it to crack under his weight. She never did though, she was so strong, so much stronger than him. He knew he had really screwed this up, tough at the same time he knew he was right. Even if it cost him his happiness, he wanted to protect her for a change, and that was what he had done. She might not see it now, but she would. Once she had calmed down, talked with her parents about it, who he knew would not be pleased either. He kept repeating these thoughts to himself, but even though they were so rational and true, they didn’t help to make him feel better. He got up, grabbing a rucksack, and headed to his closet to take some clothes. He looked in the mirror and noticed there were teartracts across his cheeks. He lifted his hand in surprise, to touch them. He had been crying, he hadn’t even realised. Even as he touched them he still didn’t fully comprehend. Ending up just tossing some random stuff in his bag, he headed out. Closing the front door behind him, he rested his hand on the door knob, fully realising this would be the last time he’d be here.  
As soon as the realisation sunk in though, he felt a sharp pain in his chest that he was not ready to confront. He let go, quickly heading down the steps of their appartment building. He stepped out on the street, thinking of where he would go. Instinctively he knew Grimauld place. As he turned the corner he immediately jerking back, noticing a couple of deatheaters. They had already spotted him, crossing the street as he thought of how to shake them off.

It took him three days to get rid of them. He could almost hear Sirius and James mocking his poor preformance, even he himself knew he could do better than this. He wasn’t sure why it was happening, he just was not on top of his game, he was careless and simply not quick enough on his feet. In the end he managed though, relief washed over him. Finally he could talk to Sirius, he’d know what to do, and if not they could always just frink together. He smiled as he put the just bought butterbeers under his cloak, his rucksack he had lost days ago. He froze just before apparating though, what was he thinking? Sirius wasn’t there, Sirius would never be there anymore, he was dead. He shook his head as grief tried to swallow him whole. It had been months since this had happened. It used to happen several times a day, it slowly got less, but it still floored him every time. And now there wasn’t even anyone anymore to pick up the broken pieces, there was just him. He decided to go to Grimmauld place anyway, who knew he might even encounter Severus there. Oh yes he was looking forward to that, all his pent up anger, pain and selfhatred poured into the desperate wish to duel Severus.

He apparated right on the top step, turning around to see a few people staring at the house as he had expected they would, before opening the door, wand out and ready. As soon as he stepped inside he heard Moody’s familiar voice call out “Severus Snape?” He felt the very uncomfortable sensation of his tongue rolling in on itself. He knew that Severus wasn’t here, or he would have already been hexed, offense is the best defense had always been a go to strategy for him. Before he could take in the hall though there rose a figure out of the dust, heading straight for him. It looked as menacing as it looked powerful, and had he not known about this he would not have been able to react as casually as he could now. “It was not I who killed you, Albus.” He simply stated, though the thoughts about Severus that came after had a distinct bitter quality to them. Dumbledore exploded, shrouding the entire hallway in a sort of dusty, semi-darkness. He froze as he heard a voice order him not to move. He couldn’t be one hundred percent sure, but it sounded like Harry. At the order mrs. Black decided to join in though starting her usual curses and screams. Over all the noise he could still hear people running down the stairs, those had to be Ron and Hermione. Deciding he should anounce himself he lifted his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Hold your fire, it’s me, Remus!” he immediately could sense the relief washing over his young pupils. At least that was what he had thought, but he was wrong, because while mrs. Black got silenced Harry ordered him to show himself, and he did not sound relieved at all. So he stepped forward, arms still up in surrender, facing Harry who still had his wand pointed at him. He felt a weird sense of pride that Harry wasn’t so trustworthy, it would help him survive, in this war you had better be absolutely certain your friends truly were who they claimed to be. “I am Remus John Lupin, werewolf, sometimes known as Moony, one of the four creators of the Marauder’s Map, married to Nymphadora, usually known as Tonks, and I taught you how to produce a Patronus, Harry, which takes the form of a stag.” Harry lowered his wand, Remus saw the relief as the boy uttered almost apologetically that he had to check. He agreed completely with this statement and he told them so. He also informed about Severus, but they hadn’t seen him. He was curious to their story, but they of course were just as curious about what happened after they left. He managed to reassure them that everyone was alive and as safe as could be expected while they headed to the kitchen.

They talked for a long time, about what happened to the trio when they left the wedding, about what happened to the rest of them, the Weasleys and the others. Remus talked about the new ministry policy, that Harry was the bad guy now, the one that suppsoedly killed Dumbledore. And they spent a good few minutes cursing the ministry for their new muggleborn registry before Remus dared to voice an idea that had been developing as they spoke. Now that he thought of it, it seemed exciting to him,but that was not all, it also seemed to him the only way he could redeem himself. If he managed to keep Harry,James and Liliy’s son, alive, wouldn’t that make up for what he was and what he had done a little bit? He owed them both and the world so much, his death was too deep to ever be repaid, but wasn’t helping the chosen one defeat Voldemort a small step towards redemption? So he started “I’ll understand if you can’t confirm this, Harry, but the Order is under the impression that Dumbledore left you a mission.” “He did” Harry replied, “and Ron and Hermione are in on it and they’re coming with me.” As he had suspected they would. “Can you confide in me what the mission is?” He knew the answer before Harry spoke the words, it was clear from the look on his face that he couldn’t. “I can’t, Remus, I’m sorry. If Dumbledore didn’t tell you I don’t think I can.” “I thought you’d say that,” Though he had suspected in avance Harry would say this, it still stung. It felt like one more person who didn’t trust him, even though he knew it had nothing to do with him being a werewolf. “But I ought still be of some use to you. You know what I am and what I can do. I could come with you to provide protection. There would be no need to tell me exactly what you were up to.” Lupin saw the hesitation in his eyes, and in those of the other two as well. They wanted him there, the elation he felt when he realised this almost made him grin. But then Hermione, always the practical one of the trio started asking questions. “But what about Tonks?” she asked. “What about her?” He replied, hoping against hope she would let this go. “Well,” said Hermione, frowning, “you’re married: How does she feel about you going away with us?” He rubbed his hands over his thighs in a nervous gesture as he forced himself not to think of Tonks while he spoke. “Tonks will be perfectly safe. She’ll be at her parents’ house.” Even now though Hermione would not leave well enough alone. “Remus,” said Hermione tentatively, “is everything all right . . . you know . . . between you and—” No no no! He did not want to think about this, let alone talk about it. And he wasn’t, they couldn’t make him. “Everything is fine, thank you,” said Lupin pointedly. Hermione turned pink, and no one said anything. The longer the silence lasted the harder Remus found it to keep quiet. And soon enough the words that he hadn’t uttered yet to anyone, his terrible, shameful secret spilled from his lips. “Tonks is going to have a baby.” He almost physically cringed at their excitement. “Oh, how wonderful!” squealed Hermione. “Excellent!” Ron called out enthusiastically. “Congratulations,” said Harry. Remus tried to answer with a smile, but he barely managed to lift the corners of his mouth. He wanted to skip over this as soon as possible, though if he thought about how he was going to keep them from talking about it if he really was going to travel with them he had no idea. “So . . . do you accept my offer? Will three become four?” he offered, and seeing one of the objections they might have he added “I cannot believe that Dumbledore would have disapproved, he appointed my your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, after all. And I must tell you that I believe that we are facing magic many of us have never encountered or imagined.”He looked at Harry, knowing that in the end he would decide wether or not he could join.“Just—just to be clear,” Harry said. “You want to leave Tonks at her parents’ house and come away with us?” Remus pushed down the wave of emotion he felt coming on when he heard her voice. He couldn’t think of her now, not ever again, if he did he would probably sink to the floor, sobbing, and never get up. “She’ll be perfectly safe there, they’ll look after her,” he told Harry as much as himself. He added “Harry, I’m sure James would have wanted me to stick with you.”“Well,” said Harry slowly, “I’m not. I’m pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why you aren’t sticking with your own kid, actually.” 

Remus could do nothing but stare at Harry, sadness, pain an anguish fighting inside him. Did they really not understand what he had done? The implications were too horrible. But of course they were too young, too idealistic, too priviliged to know the world as he did. “You don’t understand,” He muttered when he could finally talk again.. “Explain, then,” said Harry bitterly. He swallowed, he didn’t want to talk about this, but he knew he must. It was the only way he could convince them. “I-I made a grave mistake in marrying Tonks. I did it against my better judgment and I have regretted it very much ever since.” He knew what he said was true. He had been a fool, a selfish fool, he hated himself for it. And the worst was he still was selfish, because even though he really had been regretting it, it also felt as the best decision of his life. He could never admit that though, not to anyone, not even himself. “I see,” said Harry, “so you’re just going to dump her and the kid and run off with us?” Before he realised what he had done, Remus was upright, glaring at Harry with so much anger. He could feel the wolf creeping closer to the surface. Did the boy think he wanted to hurt his wife like this, to never see her again. It was the only way. In giving up his life and the light she brought to his life, he gave her a chance on a better life. “Don’t you understand what I’ve done to my wife and my unborn child? I should never have married her, I’ve made her an outcast!” As the words came splling from him his anger got worse, worse because everything he said was true, even though he had always so passionately wished it wasn’t. “You have only seen me amongst the Order, or under Dumbledore’s protection at Hogwarts! You don’t know how most of the Wizarding world sees creatures like me! When they know of my affliction, they can barely talk to me! Don’t you see what I’ve done? Even her own family is disgusted by our marriage, when parents want their only daughter to marry a werewolf?” Now that he had begun talking he couldn’t control himself anymore, every angry, bitter thought and fear spilled out of him. “And the child—the child—” He could not bare to think of it, seeing Tonks lying dead in his mind’s eye. He pulled on his hair to keep some semblance of control. “My kind don’t usually breed! It will be like me, I am convinced of it—how can I forgive myself when I knowingly risked passing on my own condition to an innocent child? And if, by some miracle, it is not like me, then it will be better off, a hundred times so, without a father of whom it must always be ashamed!” “Remus!” whispered Hermione, tears in her eyes. “Don’t say that—how could any child be ashamed of you?” “Oh, I don’t know, Hermione,” bit Harry. “I’d be pretty ashamed of him.” Remus’ eyes focussed on Harry, he had thought he wanted them to understand, but hearing Harry agreeing with him hurt so much. For a second Harry dissapeared and he himself was again 11 years old and James was yelling at him, how disgusting he was and that he could never sleep in the same room as a werewolf. “If the new regime thinks Muggle-borns are bad,” Harry said, “what will they do to a half-werewolf whose father’s in the Order? My father died trying to protect my mother and me, and you reckon he’d tell you to abandon your kid to go on an adventure with us?” “How—how dare you?” hissed Lupin. Did Harry really think that low of him? “This is not about a desire for—for danger of personal glory—how dare you suggest such a—” “I think you’re feeling a bit of a daredevil.” Harry said, “You fancy stepping into Sirius’s shoe—” “Harry, no!” Hermione begged him, but he continued to glare into Remus livid face. “I’d never have believed this,” Harry said. “The man who taught me to fight dementors—a coward.” That was the moment he saw red. His wolf took over and brandished his wand. The next moment Remus was rushing down the hall, fury still seeping from his pores. He was so angry with Harry, how had he dared to say those things? But even at that moment he was even angrier with himself than with Harry. He could hear Hermione call him, but he didn’t respond. He stepped out the door and dissaprated. 

He started walking as soon as he had reappeared. He had no idea where he was going or what he was going to do, so he just kept on walking. Sowly over the course of many hours his anger lessened, the anger towards the boy that is, the hatred towards himself only intensified. As he noticed the first signs of sunrise he couldn’t go on any longer, he was exhausted. He sat down and leaned against a rock. The fact that he was now motionless forced his thoughts onto him even more, that’s when the selfdoubt started. Had Harry been right? Would James have been angry with him for leaving his wife and child? James, as a pureblood family knew better than anyone else the way werewolves were treated, surely he would have understood. “But” said a voice in his head, “Sirius had been a pureblood too, and he had always told him how stupid he thought Remus was acting when he fled from a girl he liked again because she came too close to finding out the truth.” He started to argue with himself. Had Sirius not always been the most reckless of them all? As his mind continued to fight him, he was also starting to get exhausted, until there came a point where he could no longer argue. He started to fall asleep, but forced himself to wake up every time he noticed in a sort of self torture. To stay awake he started to make a list of everything he had done wrong. He was selfish, he had married Tonks, even let her get pregnant, and part of him still didn’t regret it, he betrayed Dumbledore’s trust, not once but many times, he had hurt the feelings of many girls and some boys to make sure his secret didn’t come out, he had allowed himself to fall in love with Tonks,he had endangered an entire school full of children when he taught there, he hadn’t been able to rescue any of his friends, he had thought the worst of Padfoot and the best of Wormtail, he had given in to Tonks against his better judgement. Tonks, Tonks, Tonks it always came back down to her, but strangely the more he thought of her the better he seemed to feel and the last thought before he finally fell asleep was of her throwing herslef into his arms as she had done only a few days previous.

He started awake, his dream had felt so real that he quickly looked around to see where they all were before he realised they were all dead. He squeezed his eyes shut as the dream came rushing back over him. It had started out pleasantly enough, kind of like a memory from their school days. They had been planning some kind of prank, they were all laughing and clapping each other on the back in congratulation of their master plan. But then they stopped and James had said they couldn’t go through with it, because there was a traitor in their midst. Remus was confused, he hadn’t seen Peter anywhere, until he looked up and saw both boys looking at him. “Me?” he had uttered startled. “What did I do?” They frowned as they ganged up on him. “Do you think either one of us would have left Harry if we had had a choice?” James growled. “How could you just leave your wife and child behind? Telling Harry it wouldbe what I would have wanted you to do, clearly you don’t know me at all.” Remus froze, his eyes wide, flitting from James to Sirius. “Sirius, please” he started as he focussed his eyes on his friend, “you understand, right? You know I had to leave Dora, that…” he swallowed thickly, feeling tears burning in the back of his throat. “that it was the right thing to do.” “The right thing to do?” Sirius barked indignantly. “The way you’re going I don’t think you’d recognise the right thing if it hit you in the face.” He turned around, tugging on James’ hand. “Come on James, what’s the point?” And with that they both walked away, leaving Remus behind, sobbing and calling after them, begging them to come back.  
The scene disolved and Lily was sitting next to him as they both rested their backs against a tree somewhere on the Hogwarts grounds. Remus felt tears roll down his cheeks, but he couldn’t say anything. “You have made a right mess of things, haven’t you, Moony?” she sighed in dissapointment. He turned his head to look her in the eyes, seeing the kindness he always found there, but also an intense sadness. He nodded at her statement, choking out, “I know, I tried to fix it, but she wouldn’t let me, and then Harry, and Prongs and Padfoot” He stopped, groaning in anguish as he thought back to the conversations he had had. Then he felt a smart tap on his head. “Moony, you idiot, they were only trying to fix what you did.” He stared at her in disbelief. “Really,” she scoffed, “telling that poor girl to kill your baby. You’re lucky she didn’t hex you, I would have.” “Hexed me?” he muttered indignantly. “At least that.” she agreed. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “You know what the problem is when you think so little of yourself? At some point you start acting in a way that makes others agree with you.” She got up and started walking away. “Lily, please don’t leave. I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” She turned around, smiling slightly as she said, “You don’t have to tell me that, Moony, I have always known that.” He stayed against that rock all day, contemplatingthe dream, warring with himself over what he should do. On one hand there was still the same arguments and points of view he had had for these past days, or should he say past years. On the other hand there was the desperate desire to see Tonks, he missed her so much. He had hoped that it would get a little easier every day to be away from her, but it only got harder. But even more important than missing Tonks, the realisation had sunk in that Harry had been right, he had been a coward. It had all become so clear to him now, he was terrified that his child would be a werewolf yes, but the thought of it being a normal child was even greater. How could he, Remus Lupin be a father? What did he know of kids and how to raise them? He would ruin this child forever, the kid would grow up to hate him, and Tonks would despise him too. That was what scared him most. The fact that this person who he loved so much, whe he had allowed access to his heart would hate him and thereby break him. He also knew that this is what Lily had meant when she said he didn’t need to tell her, he should tell Tonks. The thought alone paralysed him with fear though, she had made herself crystal clear and he couldn’t blame her. If he went to her, would she even see him? Allow him to apologise, to explain? He was not at all convinced that she would, but after an entire day of deciding to do it, only to rethink before he had even got up, he forced himself up. He took a deep breath, took out his wand and disapparated.

He walked up to house of Tonks’ parents, but before he could even ring the doorbell the door opened and a glaring Ted glaring at him. “Out!” he bellowed, raising his hand so that for a second Remus thought he was going to hex him. “Please, Ted, I need to..” “Need to? Need to?” Ted interjected angrily “the only thing you need to is to leave.” “Dad,” he heard her voicefrom behind the door, quiet but certain,” it’s alright, you go back to mum.” Ted gave him one last scathing look before he turned around and left. Then it was just him and Tonks, standing there, drinking each other in. His eyes feasted on her, and a feeling of warmth and love rushed through him, though what he saw alos made him frown. She looked exhausted, she had dark circles around her eyes, her face had no real expression, her arms wrapped around herself as if they were the only thing keeping her together, she even seemed thinner than he remembered, but the biggest shock came when she spoke. “Wotcher,” she mumbled with so much disinterest and lack of life that it felt as if Remus had got punched in the stomach. “Dora,” he whispered, stepping forward instinctively to wrap his arms around her. She stepped back though, raising her hand to keep him at a distance. “No,” she said in a pankicky voice “stay there, don’t touch me.” He froze, his arms still outstretched to her, he searched her eyes for any sign that he should continue, that she said no, but actually meant yes. He couldn’t find it though so his arms slumped down to his sides. He opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn’t find the words, he was too scared. He wasn’t even sure what he was more scared of, her rejecting his appologies, or her accepting them. He opened them again, but words seemed to fail him once more. This happened for what to Remus felt like hours, and still Tonks stood there watching him. He took a deep breath, looking at her, he noticed her eyes were shining with tears so he started with the easiest word “Dora,” he whispered, “I…” his eyes were locked with hers and as he said her name her face turned from nonexpressive to a mask of pain. He acted on pure instinct, unable to bear the pain he saw, he walked up to her and wrapped her in his arms. He pulled her head to his chest and pressed kisses in to her short, brown-greyish hair. The words came so easily to him now. “I’m so sorry, Dora, so sorry. I don’t blame you if you hate me. I am so so sorry. I love you.” He kept repeating his words while she started sobbing, alternating between “I’m sorry.” and “I love you.” Eventually she pulled away, whiping her eyes and glaring at him. “I’m so angry with you,” She spat at him “you have no idea.” At that he couldn’t help but smile sadly “I think I have some idea,” he said “since I’m pretty angry with myself as well.” “Don’t try to cute your way out of this” She demanded as she whiped her nose on her sleeve, “it isn’t working.” she added as she barely repressed a smile. “I’m serious, Dora. I can only imagine how much you must hate me, but please know that I hate myself a hundred times more.” “Hate you?” She rolled her eyes in annoyance. “I don’t hate you, you prat, I love you. That’s the problem here.” He sighed, contritely nodding his head. “I know, I’m sorry, I really am so sorry. There is no excuse.” “None whatsoever,” she agreed, “but an explanation would be nice.” she concluded.

He took a deep breath, this was the pivotal moment, this was the moment where he had to choose. He could either open himself up, show her his most vulnerable side and trust that she would not destroy him, or he would lose her and himself forever. “I am going to try and explain as well as I can,” he took another steadying breath. “I only ask you to listen to everything I have to say before you slam the door in my face.” He looked up at her and she nodded, rolling her eyes at him again. “Okay,” he started, “I am scared, Dora, so scared.” He bored his eyes into hers intensely. “I am scared that people will exlcude you, that they will judge you for being married to me. Please,” He held up his hand to quiet her, “I know you say you don’t care, but I do, and you might too someday. I’m afraid your family hates me for what I am. I am afraid our child..” he stopped for a second, sinking his nails into his palm to force himself to continue. “I’m afraid our child will be like me, a monster. That he will kill you before it’s even born, or after.” she frowned “I’m even more afraid that it’s a healthy, normal child, because then it wuld have me as a father. How could I be a father, Dora?” He looked at her with desperation, tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. “My own child will hate me, he will have to be ashamed of me. And most of all I am afraid to lose you.” He looked down, allowing his hair to cover his eyes as he started crying in earnest. “I’m so scared of how much you love me. How can I ever live up to that? I don’t deserve it, I want to, I want it so much, but I don’t. I have done everything I could to screw things up, but still there you were, loving me. What if there comes a moment when you see me for what I really am?” He felt her arms around him now, as she pulled him against her. He rested his forehead against her shoulder as she muttered. “You really are a stupid prat.” Then she sighed as she leaned her head against his. “Of course you’re scared, don’t you think I am? We’re all scared, Remus, that’s what’s called being an adult. I am the clumsiest person on the planet. What if I drop the baby? What if we never defeat Voldemort? I have a thousand worries, but fear that the baby would turn out like you was never one.” She moved one of her hands to the back of his head, softly moving through his hair in a soothing way. “We would be lucky to have a kid who is as smart, or thoughtful as you. When will you get in that thick skull of yours that I am the one who sees you for who you really are instead of you?” She pulled away from him a little, cupping his face with her hands, brushing his tears away with her thumbs. “Because Remus, if you continue to believe you are a monster, there will come a time you start acting in a way that makes people agree with you.” She smiled at him sadly. “And trust me, you have already come far too close for comfort on that front.” He looked at her, drinking in the moment, when she stepped away. She turend around and headed back inside, before the sense of panic he was feeling could completely register though she turned around, asking him “So, are you in or out?” Her tone made it perfectly clear that he could decide either and that she would try to have peace with it, but that it was a final decision. This was not something he could turn back from. “In.” He said and he grabbed her hand as he stepped inside. There was an facesplitting grin on Tonks’ face, her hair immediately turning her favourite bubblegum pink. She closed the door while she told him. “You’re a prat you know that?” He nodded, agreeing with her “ A complete and total prat.” She pulled his face towards her and pressed her lips to his. “My prat.” She walked onwards, heading to the kitchen as she turned around and told him. “Oh, and from tomorrow on you start paying.” She rubbed her chin as if she was thinking. “Beginning with breakfast in bed.”


End file.
